Happy and Blessed Lughnasadh everyone!! I’m hoping all is well with all my friends and readers (if there are any left! lol) and that this finds everyone happy. I’m terribly sorry it’s been such a long absence (AGAIN!) but I’ve had quite a lot of things going on this past year. Let’s just say that therapy has been VERY good for me. Plus I’ve got a few other things that I’ve been working on, but I’ll get to that later!
So yes! Today is Lughnasadh also known as Lammas, which is a pagan festival celebrating the first harvest of the season, which is typically the grain harvest… though I’m sure that includes other plants and crops. As well as the beginning of harvesting our own thoughts, idea, hopes, dreams and wishes. Actually, I’m pretty sure I went into detail a couple of years ago on Lughnasadh… you know the nature of sacrifice and all that. I still very much stand by that post, and in fact it is one of the first things I ever wrote after I began to go deeper into the meanings and meditate on the sabbats.
Speaking of meditation, I’ve been taking a course for the past couple of years, and I’m now in the 10th month of the 3rd level. Let me tell you, this has definitely put me way past my comfort zone and familiarity levels. I mean, some of the material I am very familiar with, and some of it, I only have a passing knowledge and other stuff… I have no idea. It’s been enlightening to say the least, and I’ve learned a lot about myself, my life in general… and most of all, I’m coming face to face with my Shadows. Not just the “Oh I don’t think I’m pretty enough or smart enough” or even the “I’ve got bipolar issues to work out”… but the deep down in your soul that no one has any clue it’s there. Or they do and say nothing because it’s easier that way. That also includes me. It’s easier to keep this issues sitting there in the deep corners of my soul never to see the light of day again, because then it doesn’t hurt. So my therapist has me on a meditation schedule, which goes hand in hand with this course I’m taking.
Anyway, we’ve come to the point in this course where we need to face our Shadow Selves. Which is interesting since Ry and I were having a conversation about this a couple of weeks ago. So the conversation was about how Steve said back in February or somewhere around that time that he thought I have been getting worse instead of better since I started going to therapy 5 years ago. I kind of looked at him like he was nuts and told him it was untrue and that I have gotten a lot better… just maybe not to him because he’s too close to me to really see the differences. So yeah, Ry and I were talking a couple of weeks ago and he said that the point in therapy is when once you hit the point of no return, you have no choice but to see it through or lose your sanity. So while Steve thinks I’m not getting better… he fails to see or understand how deep my wounds actually go, and now, I’ve hit that point of no return… I HAVE to deal with this stuff or I’ll never be whole, or okay, or even happy. Some of these things go so deep that when we brought it up in therapy and when they came up in my meditations I was just… I don’t even know, it just rocked me to my core. I wasn’t aware of them. How it’s less the feeling of being abandoned, and more the feeling of being betrayed. Whoa, that’s some heavy shit right there. So yeah, now that’s where I’m sitting and it’s not pretty. My emotions are out of whack, I’m angry and irritable, and ready to scream, cry and throw things. But Goddess forbid Ravenna expresses these feelings to anyone outside of therapy. I try to talk to Steve about it and he blows me off. And I can’t talk to anyone in my family, because some of this stuff involves them, and I don’t want them to feel hurt by my own feelings. That, and honestly I don’t need further commentary from the peanut gallery on what I SHOULD be thinking, saying and doing. How THEY think I should be processing it all. It’s really sad. Sure, there are a few people who I love and trust enough to keep my confidence and not tell me what they think I should be thinking, saying and doing. At least I have that.
So I guess it’s kind of fitting that all this stuff is starting to come out now, at Lughnasadh, since it’s all about harvesting, so I guess right now, I’m harvesting the things were planted a long time ago. I’ve been getting messages from the Gods for a while now, and they’re starting to get really specific, and one of the messages I got, it made me cry… it felt wonderful, and peaceful and HEALING. It’s time to harvest all the good things that were planted, because they will help sustain me in the coming months.
So yeah, I guess I’m done now, I’ve rambled enough for one day. Perhaps another will come soon enough, and I’ll tell everyone all the kick ass stuff I’ve learned over the past 10 months!! WOOHOO!