Okay, so there’s not a whole lot I want to write about… but I have this urge to write, so here I am. It’s my music and reading day. The boys went swimming with Gramma B this afternoon, which gave me a few hours to myself, and I had a reasonably good day. Of course, any day where I have the house to myself and am free to play my music and dink around the house is a good day to me.
It was my birthday last week. I had briefly considered cancelling my birthday this year, because, well, the last couple of years, my bday has sucked. Seriously. (Well, last year, there was ONE bright spot, so yeah) This year… it ALMOST sucked. Okay, so there was a point where I was massively pissed off at a member of my household for the simple fact that I spent my birthday digging a 2x3x3 foot hole in my backyard trying to find the plumbing access pipe because we have a broken pipe. Now, I had woken up said person THREE hours before the plumber was due to arrive, and instead of digging the hole for me like I asked, he left. And I had to dig the hole. Well, SOMEbody had to dig it. The excuse given later was “he didn’t know where to dig”… hey guess what? Neither did I! I just started digging in the general area that I thought it was and there it was! Then I spent the rest of the afternoon supervising the plumber whilst he worked on our pipes. Fun times.
It wasn’t too bad though. Steve came home and gave me the oddest gift I’ve ever received and no I will not say what it is… just that it’s odd. But then he gave me a copy of one of my fave book, so that’s okay. His mom gave me a Kindle, which has me nearly bursting out of my skin with happiness. I am a VORACIOUS reader, and I am constantly running out of things to read, which gets me in trouble because then I spend every waking moment here on my laptop reading things over at FanFiction.net because at least some of the stuff over there is HIGHLY entertaining. Sometimes even far better than the original work, haha. So yeah, the Kindle gives me near instant access to as many books as my little heart (and pocketbook) can handle. Needless to say, from here on out, all Ravenna wants for Christmas/Easter/Mother’s Day/Birthday is Amazon.com gift cards. I’m not kidding! I am also pleased to say that I am happy that I can check out up to 20 ebooks from my public library for the Kindle which is also supremely awesome! After charging it up, I promptly logging in to the library website and checked out all the Black Jewels books by Anne Bishop. If you haven’t read them… then you NEED to read them. Start with Daughter of the Blood, and go from there. I am pleased.
Steve took me out to dinner as well. My fave Greek place in Kent, Spiro’s Greek Island. Good food, great prices and always leftovers to take home. It was nice… of course we had a mild arguement about something stupid (about what, I can’t even remember), but all in all, it was a good night. Steve’s mom also got me a Borracchini’s cake, which is probably the best cake on the face of the planet. OMG, it was soooo good!
My family held a party for me this past Saturday, which was really nice. I didn’t realize my Grams had invited so many people, and it made me feel really special that everyone came to celebrate with me. We had a really good dinner, and a GIANT chocolate on chocolate cake (my fave!) and of course, good conversation. I got a ton of new clothes from my family, which is always a plus! Especially since my sister’s wedding is coming up later this coming week. At least I’ll have some nice things to wear down in Pasadena.
Speaking of the wedding… HOLY CRAP! It’s almost here! I can’t believe it! I remember last year, when she got engaged (right after my bday then, too!) and I cried like a baby I was so happy for her! And now it’s time for her and my soon to be brother-in-law to exhange their vows and begin their Happily Ever After together. *sighs* It’s so romantic! But even the romantic in me recognizes the stress all of this brings. She’s stressing because we’re down to T-Minus 6 days til W-Day and there’s still lots to do. Our Grams has health problems and won’t be able to make it, which upsets the both of them, but there’s not much to be done about it. And I’m stressing because well… I won’t get there until the day before the wedding, which doesn’t leave me much time to help with whatever else needs to be done for the ceremony. But, we’ll manage.
The whole travelling down there is going to be a fiasco though. I TOLD Steve’s dad when we needed to be there, I TOLD him where the venue was, MONTHS ago. He was very generous and paid for our (mine, Steve’s and the 2 older boys) plane tickets and hotel… but the flight gets in right when the rehearsal is supposed to begin. *sighs* And our hotel is four miles from the venue. And we need to rent a car. And I’ve never been on a plane before (okay, so a little plane does NOT count!) and I’ve yet to pack everything. I’ve packed some stuff, but not all of it yet. We JUST got the boys their suits (they look soooo cute!), Steve finally managed to get some slacks and shoes… and me… well… yeah, I got new clothes! LOL
I’m very happy for my sister. I really am. But sometimes, I have to admit, I am jealous of her. She has a good life. She worked hard to get where she is and she’s happy, and best of all, she found a man who loves her enough to make a life-time commitment to her. I wish I had that. I did everything out of order in life, lol. I had 3 babies. That’s what I did. I haven’t done the career thing (well, being a mom IS a career in my book) and I’m certainly not the greatest “Suzy-Home-Maker” but I do what I can. I have a partner… and I know we both love one another… but there are so many days where I wonder why we keep trying? We fight all the time and we both know that we’re not suited for one another.
Enough of that! So I need to write a little Maid-of-Honor speech for the wedding, and I have no idea what I want to say that she won’t view as “embarrassing”, lol. I could say sooo many things about her, but I won’t be mean, and I’m sure I will find just the right words to share with her and her soon to be husband.
I remember last year at this same time. I finally had my meltdown. I had just come to grips with the fact that all the things I had originally intended to have accomplished by the time I turned 30, weren’t done. I’ve been told repeatedly that it was foolish for me to grieve those things… I had always told myself by the time I’m 30, I’ll have the beginnings of a career, a loving husband, a home of my own and kids. By the time I turned 30, I had kids. That’s it.
So I grieved for the other things, the dreams that I put to rest. It didn’t hit me until after my Sis called to tell me about her engagement, actually. I wrote about it here last year, but Steve was so cruel, and I just couldn’t help but cry my heart out. It hurt so much. Someone told me that I should have fun this weekend at my Sis’s wedding and maybe Steve would finally propose to me… I started laughing hysterically. As if!! I’m sorry, but if after 15 years and 3 kids he hasn’t wanted to marry me… this won’t change a thing. He makes excuses why he hasn’t asked, and I know the truth. He thinks I don’t, but I do. It boils down to, if he wants to toss me aside, it’s easier to do so if we aren’t married. In his eyes, I’m just not good enough. And I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t care anymore what he thinks of me.
I got a bitchin reading at Samhain that gave me quite a bit to chew on, and chew on it, I have. Essentially… it boils to needing to learn how to stand on my own. No matter how I feel about other people… I have to stand on my own. I’ve said this before. And I haven’t done anything about it. Fear holds me still. Remember my last post? About facing fear? Yeah, that’s what that was all about. THAT was what Lilith was telling me. Take back my power, face my fear, and stand stronger because of it. Yup.
So I’ll have to learn how to stand on my own and I am terrified of it. First things first… I need to apply for disability and wait until after that happens to make my next step. I know it will take time before I would even be approved… but it’s worth a shot… and I’m willing to try for that shot. So we’ll see.
Anyway… I have a book calling my name and some beautiful music to listen to (new Evanescence album is AMAZING among other things).
Much love and blessings,