Okay, Enough is Enough.

I am so tired of people telling me what to do.  I am tired of being told what to say, what not to say, how I should spend my days, what I can and cannot do, who I can and cannot talk to.  So tired of it all.

I am afraid to write and say things now.  Always feel like I have to walk on eggshells for fear that someone will take my words and twist them around until it’s nothing of what I meant in the first place.  Or that I shouldn’t share personal things because “once it’s out there it’s out there.” Well guess what, I don’t fucking care.  It helps me to get this out, to share and let people know that sometimes it’s okay to share these things, because then someone else out there will know, they’re not alone.  It’s okay to admit that you’re not perfect, that it’s okay to be imperfect.

I am not perfect.  I have never claimed to be.  I have however said that I am perfect as I am, and I still hold to that.  I don’t want to change who I am as a person.  Sure there are things about me that I would change, but the core of me… that’s ME and I like it.

I had this big plan for a blog today.  I can’t remember what I was going to write about anymore, other than how tired I am of people telling me what to do.  I’m sure some of those people say it because they care and think I should keep shit to myself, and others are more concerned that I make them look like they’re bad.  Not my intention.  This is supposed to be my safe place, and I’m getting really close to just shutting it down except for my eyes only, just because I NEED to write.  I NEED to get this stuff out and it helps me.

Ravenna’s Random Ramblings is just that.  MY RANDOM THOUGHTS and FEELINGS.  Whatever I want to say, I can, because this is my place.  If I want to write about paganism, I can.  If I want to write about my kids, I can.   If I want to write about the things going on in my life or in my head I can.  Hell, if I want to write about how fucked up I think the world is, I can.  And honestly, who is going to stop me?  Why would you want to stop me? Do people really want to turn me into a mindless, thoughtless robot?

I’ve been feeling so off-kilter lately.  For like the past month and a half I’ve been a mess.  I don’t even know if I can explain it properly.  I have bipolar disorder.  I’m not going to hide it.  I have days where I am depressed and days where I am manic.  I have days where I am both.  Currently, I think I’m stuck in a manic phase.  I had a REALLY bad depressive episode last month, and I had thoughts, things that I shouldn’t think, ideas in my head that I shouldn’t have.  I went offline for a couple weeks and the last thing I posted was “Today is the last day that I am using words.  They’ve gone out, lost their meaning, don’t function anymore.”  Lyrics to a song actually… but that day… they fit perfectly.  Explained EXACTLY what I was thinking and feeling.  I didn’t talk to anyone after that.  I mean what was I going to say? “Sorry guys, I’m depressed right now and deciding what the point in life is?”

Never fear, I know what the point is, and I’m pretty sure I’m not selfish enough to do something stupid like end it all.  But for a minute, I seriously considered committing myself because I was starting to lose it.  That was when I moved into the manic phase, and I’m still sitting in it.  Not much to be done except work through it and try to keep myself from going batty.  It’s hard sometimes.  I’m so tired.  Tired of being tired, and tired of being censored.

To the person who told me to write about my life, thank you.  That really helped me, just thought you should know.  So yeah.  Anyway, I just thought I would rant for a minute.  Mabon (Autumnal Equinox) is coming up next week, and I’ll have something prepped for your reading pleasure then, but for now, I’ll leave you off with some song lyrics.  Stuff that’s been helping me cope.  Yes, there’s meaning behind it.  No I don’t anyone will catch the meaning behind it.  Why? Because while I’m comfortable sharing my life with the public at large, there ARE some things I keep to myself.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do

~ The Story Brandie Carlile

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we’re already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you.

I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
‘Cause I knew that was the last time, the last time

~ Set Fire to the Rain Adele

That last one is my current therapy/happy song.  Along with Coal War by Joshua James.  Both are bitchin songs, check ’em out.

Until next time my friends,

~ Ravenna

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2 thoughts on “Okay, Enough is Enough.

  1. That was BEAUTIFUL and Sad….I am SO GLAD YOU ARE FIGHTING TO STAY YOU and that YOU ARE NOT LETTING GO OF RAVENNA’S RAMBLINGS!! It was a PLEASURE to SEE YOUR BLOG IN MY EMAIL INBOX 8-)) May YOU Continue to be Filled with Strength To Find Your Balance and May You Know and Be Surrounded with The Care and Love of Those Whose Lives You Touch!!

    Be Well In Your Search and Know I Fight With You!!

    May your mornings fill you with peace and love, may the day bring you smiles and hope, may the afternoon bring you sunshine and laughter, may the eve bring you full belly and warm fire, may the nite bring you delightful slumber and wonderous filled dreams!!

    Lady AutumnMoonz

    • Thank you, I’m glad that you find my words worth reading. Sometimes… I have to wonder if my topics of conversation are appropriate… trust me… one of my old blogs was just randomly BIZARRE! lol, and I mean that in a good way.

      I hope that I continue to give you enjoyment and that the things I write about going through, hopefully you will find wisdom and joy in them.

      Blessings,
      ~ Ravenna

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