What price do I have to pay in order to leave? What do I have to do in order to walk away?
We fought again last night. Nothing new, nothing really serious. But… it was enough that I spent the night in tears. He told me so many things and he had very valid points. He talked about his future, in just 5 more years, he would finally be successful, finally be able to make something of himself and his life. Make the lives of our sons better. He has it in him to stick it out, because in his mind, it’s going to get better. I looked him in the eyes and as the tears fell, I told him.
I don’t. I don’t have it in me to wait any longer, because he always promises, it’s going to get better, it’s going to get better. And it never gets better. I’ve given him 14 years of my life. I’ve TRIED for fourteen years, and it hasn’t gotten better. It’s gotten worse.
He expects me to clean his mother’s whole house by myself, and I just don’t have it in me. I don’t, I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know if he thought I was feeling suicidal or what, but he handed me the keys to his gun locker and told me not to make too much of a mess.
WTF. I don’t him I didn’t want to die, I wanted out.
He finally stopped and looked at me… like actually looked at me and said:
“Fine. You can go. Sign over custody of the boys to me. My financial aid will go up, my degree will be paid for and I can make a good life for our children.”
“I can’t do that, I won’t sign them over.”
“What have you got going for you? What can you give them? You’re mentally unstable, your meds prove that. Sign them over or we play it the hard way. Your choice. And if you go, and five years down the road you look back and see the life I’ve made, and realize your mistake, I’ll even take you back.”
More tears fell as I thought about it. He’s right. What have I got for them? I don’t have a job, a place to live, money saved up. I have nothing to give them. So I looked up and said, “Fine. You win.”
Then he grabbed me by the arm and softly said, “Or you can stay and try to make it work, it’s going to get better.”
Fresh tears, and me shaking my head, “No. It won’t. You say that time and time again, ‘it’s going to get better, it’s going to get better’. You’ve said it for years, and it never gets better.”
And he went to bed. Eventually I followed, and just lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep.
The Price for my Freedom, is my kids. Can I do that? Can I leave them behind, just so I can find myself again? Do I do to them what my mother did to me? Leave them behind just to be free again. I don’t know. My mom dropped us off 20 years ago on my Grams’ doorstep, and here we’ve stayed. Well, me at least. I’ve never left Renton for very long since. This is my life. Since they bulldozed my Grams’ place, this place, this house that I live in now has been the only constant I have left. I have no safe haven anymore.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if the price is too high, just to live and be happy. I have to sacrifice too much. For once, he made a valid point… where would I go with all of them? They are mostly happy here where they’re at, they have their friends and family who love them and care for them, a roof over their heads. But what do I have to offer, other than my love?
The time has come for me to make my choice… but am I strong enough to make the right one? I’ve been an emotional wreck for the past 24 hours, crying off and on. My head hurts, my eyes are swollen and raw. I have to decide and it hurts to know what my options are.
Thanks for listening.