So after having gone through my earlier blog entries, all the way back to the beginning (even my old MySpace one) I’ve decided that I really do talk a lot of shit about myself. I also bitch about Steve an awful lot. It’s always the same old song and dance, and I’ve never done anything to change it. Nope, I just let it continue to happen and bitch some more about it.
The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over again expecting different results. So what am I going to do about it? Here’s a thought… make changes. I found a wonderful quote this morning: “If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be truly fulfilled.” ~ Lao Tzu. It’s true. I can’t expect other people to come in and fix all my problems… it is all on me. So yeah… still not sure where to start, but self-reflection is a good one. And not the awful things I think and say about myself… but the good things I know about me. I know I have a lot to offer the world, and somewhere inside, I am a genuinely awesome person.
I am a loyal friend, if you’re my friend, then I got your back, always. Well, unless you betray me or do something totally fucked up to me, because then… well… you’re fucked and my Scorpio side will crush you. *laughs* I love deeply and freely, and if I give you my love, it’s forever… (Steve too, even if I’m not wanting to be with him, or treats me like crap, he gave me three amazing boys) even people who have hurt me in the past, I still love them on some level. It’s just who I am. I am passionate about a lot of different things, and sometimes can get a little borderline obsessive about some subjects, heh heh.
I LOVE music, I love to read and write. I love learning about new things. I love being with my friends and family. It’s surprising looking at this, and realizing how many things I actually love. And that I love about myself. I’m not perfect, my body is not perfect (is anyone’s body perfect?) and sure… there are lots of things I’d like to change about myself. But it’s not that hard I should think, to change the way I think and speak about myself.
I started last night with new positive affirmations. Simple ones that go with my online witchcraft course, but they are good ones. “I love my self. I love all others. I am infinitely loved.” It’s the best first step for me, to learn how to love myself again. I meant what I said in one of my previous posts, I don’t like myself a lot of times… but it dawned on me last night. Steve was doing his usual “You’re fat, you’re lazy, you’re an awful bitch, blah blah blah” routine… and I realized that all the bad things I say about myself are things that are essentially word regurgitated from him. The bad things I say about me are only things HE has said about me. So in the end… do I really think those things about myself?
*shakes head* No, I KNOW the truth. I KNOW what I have to offer the world and others. Sure, there are lots of not so awesome things about my personality, but that’s part of human nature. No one is perfect. It’s time to focus on the GOOD things about me. Remember my list? *nods* Yup. I’m going to ignore the “negative” points for a while and really focus on bringing myself out of this nasty funk I’ve been in. Because I DO like me. I DO love me. I think I’m pretty fucking amazing!
The best part: there are a TON of people who think the same thing. *smiles* It really makes me happy to remember that, that people like me as I am, and even love me for it. A couple of days ago, this friend told me that he when I had last visited it had concerned him and friends/family that I wasn’t like my self. He pointed out some things to me that I didn’t even realize I was doing, and that’s what started this whole self-reflection thing. He wanted to know who the REAL me was.
Good question. Who is the REAL me? Is she the self-loathing, unhappy girl willing to spend her life in misery? Or is she the quirky, shy girl unsure of her place in the world because she’s been hiding for too long? Hm. I’m leaning towards the shy girl. Who can from time to time be rather boisterous and obnoxious.. yes, I said obnoxious. It’s TRUE! Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m loud. Funny point… the loudness is one of the few real me bits that come out, and people used to FREAK out if I had a moment of quietness and start worrying what’s wrong, why am I upset. Nope, just having a quiet moment is all.
Sadly, I spend a lot of time being quiet now… but I think the happy-go-lucky, perky me needs to come out and enjoy life again. I have tons of reasons to. I want to be a good mama for my boys… and I really want a certain someone to meet the “REAL” me. I think he might like her. She’s silly and goofy and laughs at the stupidest jokes, and tells lame ones herself… she likes sappy movies and sitting in the sunshine and listens to all kinds of music, will randomly break out into operatic song whilst walking around the house. She smiles a lot and is reasonably comfortable with herself.
My favorite quote when I was younger was this: “I’m normal, it’s everyone else who is different.”
Even when I was younger and people didn’t like me because I was different, because I was unsure of myself and tried to protect myself with snark and bad attitude… I still thought I was pretty awesome. I was an awkward teenager, and a friend of mine once said something so bizarrely sweet to me it kind of stuck. She said I was like the “ugly duckling” and that one day I would become a beautiful swan and then all the people who were cruel to me then would regret it. *laughs* Um, thanks. Are you saying I’m ugly?! It’s okay, eventually I did kind of grow out of that awkward phase and I grew into myself. It took getting beat down by Steve and then having Aiden… losing some baby weight and going to college to REALLY boost myself up. People thought I was pretty interesting, and I spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, doing stuff, enjoying life. I started hanging out at the local metaphysical shop more and more, and the owners would joke that they knew when it was 1pm because I would be there like clockwork everyday. I met and made some of my GREATEST friends during that time.
It wasn’t until the whole cheating/everyone lying about it fiasco that I lost myself again. I found out he cheated, and then discovered I was pregnant. Go figure I’d give him another chance with that one. But he “killed” me. He started saying awful things and I began to BELIEVE him. And I took those words and I brought them inside me and created this warped version of me who hated life and herself. Someone who didn’t care about shit, especially herself.
These past couple days of mind vomit have been pretty eye-opening. Not to mention the conversations I’ve had with Guy I Really Like, he wants to meet “me” and for me to better myself for me. He’s also paranoid that I compare him to Steve… just so ya know… I don’t. I compare Steve to YOU! All the things you do for me (not even the getting me stuff I need and want) but the things like talk to me, listen to me, making me smile and laugh… those things you do for me… he doesn’t. And I look at him and wonder what’s wrong with him? How is it that you can so easily look beyond and see me, and he can’t? You’re not the one who is being compared against. He also worries that I only like him because I think he’s better than Steve at the moment. Nope. I’m extremely picky, and if that’s all it was… I totally would have found someone else a long time ago. There have been offers and options over the years, plenty of them. You’re the only one that’s actually struck my interest. I like you, for you.
Yup. Today is my day to be amazing. It is my day to feel like I can conquer the world. “If you look around and think the world is missing something, it is probably the gift you were supposed to be bringing.” — Julie Cuccia Watts. Exactly!
The world is missing something. Me. The REAL me, the silly, loud, obnoxious, perky me who can have fun. The one who doesn’t need to impress anyone… because if people don’t like me for me, well, they can go fuck themselves. I don’t have to be self-conscious about myself, because I am beautiful and amazing just as I am. I still have trust issues… been burned enough times to make me cautious… but I’ve got a few friends and loved ones that I KNOW I can trust with my life… and my heart.
My friends, my family… they push me to be better. To make my life better. To stop being a doormat to the world and listening to the awful things said about me… because it’s not true. Sure, I CAN be an awful bitch… if you deserve it. Like I said, hurt or betray me… and you’re fucked. But I am an awesome person.
So for those who have been there for me, THANK YOU. You guys are the reason I’ve kept plugging along all this time. THANK YOU for reminding me that I am worth something. Thank you for pushing me to be the best me I can be. I love each and every one of you, you’re the best friends, no family a girl could ever ask for.
Funny, someone asked me this morning if my current mood is a manic phase. Very possible. I’m feeling really energetic and “up” right now. Here’s the change from a typical manic phase… usually it washes over me and carries me out and I’m forced to ride it out til it ends and hope that the depressive state isn’t so bad. THIS time, I’m making it work for ME. I’m using that frenetic energy and I’m making it work for ME. I’m not going to let it control me. I control me, not my emotions or my illness. They are NOT the definition of me, because I am more than just a crazy bipolar girl… I am fucking perfect as I am… or well… as perfect as I can be *small laugh*
Tomorrow I am set to re-dedicate myself to my path, I wasn’t going to do it on the SuperMoon… but I think right now… that extra boost of energy from the Mother is just what I need to jumpstart my life. In the words of Spongebob Squarepants (who I still think is of the devil, even if I don’t believe in the devil): “I’m ready.”
Look out world… Here I come to knock your socks off!
Thanks again for listening. Commentary is not required, but always welcomed.
Love you all,