Not Much Better Today

Yup.  Head is still in chaos, still got hurt feelings, my forehead hurts (box fell on it) and in general… I’m feeling quite pissy.  I hate questioning myself and my choices and decisions… I hate second guessing myself in everything that I do and wondering if I’m doing something wrong.  If I’ve already wasted this much time living in hell… why bother looking for something better?  By the time I actually leave here, “Better” might have already moved on to something else more available.  It did before.  No one can say whether “Better” is going to wait for me to be ready to move on and try it on for size.  Honestly, I don’t expect it to… wait for me that is.  Never has before.  Not that I want “Better” to suffer and hurt waiting for me to figure it out… but dammit if I’m not possessive as hell.  I got a wonderful taste of Better and I want more.  I’m being selfish.  It’s mine and I want it!  I deserve better dammit!  I’ve been miserable for so damn long, I deserve a chance at happiness.

And now I have to wait… and wait… and wait some more because I’ve got baggage.  TONS and TONS of baggage.  I’m like a pack-rat of emotional baggage.  All the hurtful things said and done to me just sit there and fester and become infected… infecting me like a sick poison and I’m so used to it I’m afraid to use some freaking “neosporin” on the shit to make it better.  And the poison just flows through me and infects my thoughts, words, actions… every thing I do apparently.  Who knew?  I don’t even notice it half the time, but apparently I talk shit about myself all the time.  I generally feel like it’s being painfully honest about myself. 

“Know Thyself” or so the Oracle of Delphi says.  So I know myself… sort of.  I know what I want, just not so sure how to get there with as little pain and damage as possible.  I did an exercise once on myself, about knowing my personality traits and which “element” they go with… I thought it was pretty spot on… but let’s see if my readers agree with me…

Positive Traits

  • Loving
  • Enthusiastic
  • Interesting
  • Devoted
  • Tender
  • Cheerful
  • Inspired
  • Joyful
  • Optimistic
  • Playful
  • Sincere
  • Tenacious
  • Courageous
  • Generous
  • Compassionate

Negative Traits

  • Hatred
  • Jealousy
  • Irritable
  • Anger
  • Bitter
  • Depression
  • Guilt
  • Selfish
  • Indecisive
  • Ruthless
  • Sneaky
  • Contempt
  • Deceit
  • Distrustful
  • Arrogant
  • Stubborn
  • Sarcasm

So hmm… I’m pretty sure I could add to both those lists… but do any of you have any suggestions?  I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this one.  I’m feeling bitchy today, and a lot of it has to do with yesterday’s blog posting that I did… you know the super epic one?  Yeah.  It’s left me feeling all raw and open and wounded… and bare.  You all get to see the self-destructive side of me… the one where I listen to the voices in my head and around me telling me the bad stuff… and then you come and tell me good things about me… but…

I’m not an easy person to live with by any means.  I am lazy to an extent, I have this wall built up around me so high and so thick that it makes it hard for me to put myself out there and… shine?  I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use… but it works so I’m gonna go with it.  I want to stand in the light and shout for joy and live happily ever after with someone who loves me, loves my kids and is happy with me.  Not for me, or making me happy… but is happy WITH me.  Does that make any sense? It does in my head.

I just want to be free.

And now… for some P!nk lyrics!!

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean, When you talk
About yourself, You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head, Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game

It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re fuckin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less then, fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you’re fucking perfect to me

And that is all for now.  Thanks for listening again… not quite so epic… but I’m feeling hurt and angry and unsure of myself and I’m fighting my own inate Scorpio nature to strike out when I’m hurt… I did that once before and I lost one of my best friends for it.  So yup.  Love to you all, have a lovely night.  I’m going to sit and silently rage at the Gods for a while, haha.

Love, Ravenna

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