Today, I want to cry. I wanted to cry last night, too. But today, I feel this wave of hysteria wanting to bubble over me and just take me out to sea. My head is in an absolute state of chaotic turmoil. I know what I’m supposed to do and all that stuff… but I can’t bring myself to do anything… but sit and watch and wait for something. I have been keeping myself hidden for so long, and then I poke my head out, screw it up and yeah. I’m not even sure if I make sense.
I’ve been sitting, waiting, watching, hoping, dreaming… everything for fourteen years with Steve. Always with the hope that one day he would wake up and realize, it was me all along. The real me… not the one that everyone sees now. That’s the fake me… the real me is self-conscious, scared, damaged, weird, silly, all these complicated, conflicting things. The real me is also filled with hope and love and joy… but it’s hidden beneath all those other things… the things that I used to build this fake me. The damaged bits created this other version of me, a blurred image of what I was a long time ago. The smile you see… it’s fake. My laugh that you hear… forced. When I sing… it’s without passion. My Craft… not as incorporated into my life as it used to be.
I let a friend read my old diary a couple weeks ago, she’s 14 and got a good laugh over the things I used to write about when I was the same age as she was. But in the pages of that book she also got to see (though I don’t know if she recognized it) the slow death of me. My life has never been perfect. Far from it. My parents fought, my dad drank – a LOT, my Mom… well… was my mom. My sister and I had our typical sibling rivalry thing going for us. My parents split up eventually… my mom moved us in with a pedophile. AWESOME!! We only lived with that freak for 4 months, but 3 of those months were spent with me having some of the worst experiences a person, a nine year old girl can ever go through. And then my sis and I moved in with my Grams.
I spent the rest of my teenage years getting “beat down” figuratively speaking. I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. I was hated because I was different. Eventually, I thought I got over it, and just didn’t care anymore. But that was a lie. When I met Steve, I was already damaged goods. He made it better for a while… he REALLY did. I wish you all could see what I saw in him, who he used to be. I know, key words there being “used to be”… but at the time he was my escape. And somewhere along the line… something went wrong.
I warn people now about me. Believe me, you might think I’m this nice, girl in a bad situation who has some serious self-image issues… but those are only the things I allow you to see about me. You don’t see the snarky, evil, mean, manipulative side of me. The side that is vicious and often strikes without thinking and later regrets it. The side that when I already know Steve is in a pissy mood, will pick at him some more just to get a reaction from him… because ANY attention from him at this point is better than none at all.
But once upon a time, he was sweet and gentle and kind, and saw past the mask that I put up, and back then… he LIKED me for me. I have a quirky sense of humor, I like to read, and sing and play my violin, I like to play video games… and once upon a time… I liked walking all over the place with him to go visit our friends or whatever.
Then somewhere along the line… something went horribly wrong. And HE was the one that beat me down, figuratively, and sometimes literally. Our fights have been epic, and often times end with me in tears. I have a hard time controlling my emotions, so I cry when I get angry, or hurt, or sad, or even happy. I always seem to be crying. I got over him once you know… one summer in one mind shattering instant while high on acid… I was over him. Just done. And he pursued me, chased me and made me love him again. I should have KNOWN back then that it wasn’t going to end well for me. But NO! I am too fucking stupid to take a hint when it’s pretty much hitting me in the face with a baseball bat.
It all went wrong, and somewhere in the earlier days of our relationship he started calling me fat, stupid, lazy.. whatever he could say to hurt me, he did. I stopped eating. I was 17 and healthy, and I lost a LOT of weight to make myself good enough in his eyes again. I did a lot, and allowed a lot of things to happen to me in order to be seen as good enough for him. I loved food and he made me hate it, caused me to view it as the enemy. And then when I dropped down to 90 lbs… then it was too much. Then he would act like my food police and make me eat when I didn’t want to. It took getting pregnant for me to stop the cycle and eat healthy again… well healthier. He calls me fat again now… I hate food. It’s my enemy and makes me fat and I don’t want to eat and someone else has been telling me, reminding me to eat. He got VERY upset when I made the comment that it reminded me of a time when Steve realized his mistake and used to make me eat… but anyway!
Again! I should have known it wasn’t going to get better. But still I stayed. And I let him get away with treating me like less than a person. I ALLOWED him to do it. He cheated on me, and I let him get away with it. I didn’t stand my ground and tell him to take a hike. Nope. I let him back in. He’s left me a few times over the years… and I always made myself “available” to come back to. I let him do it. I became his personal doormat.
We have three boys together now. And things have still not gotten any better. He hasn’t cheated on me again as far as I know… but then again… that’s not saying much on my part. He still treats me like dirt. And now I’m finally ready to throw in the towel and walk away… but then he does something to make me want to stay and so I do.
Something changed in my life a few months ago. I started reconnecting with an old friend of mine and her family. They listened, offered advice and in general were good friends to me. My other friends were still there, too… but something was different here. This time I started getting out, having a good time, frequently… something I hadn’t done in a long ass time. And there was this guy… oh my god, this amazing guy who treated me like a person, said I was beautiful and worth something.
I spent pretty much every weekend seeing these people for like 2 months, and now… *poof* It’s halted. Because I can’t/won’t let go of Steve yet. Since I started hanging out with my friends more often, since this guy has come into my life… he’s gotten really paranoid. Like suprememly paranoid and now he’s being all nice and attentive (to an extent)… but only if I stop hanging out with my friends. It only lasts a couple of days and then he’s back to being a douche… but it’s just enough that it gets my hopes up again, and I’m back to being a fucking dumb ass.
He likes to accuse me of sleeping around every so often… like I’m some sort of whore. I haven’t been, didn’t really intend to, and before now, never felt a need to. I asked him about it a couple days ago. Why he always says it. Does he want me to? Does he want me to go out and sleep with someone else? I’m pretty sure I could find a few willing volunteers if that’s what he’s really trying to say. He told me that he was only kidding when he says it… I called bullshit. And he said maybe it was because he still felt guilty and that he knew I still owed him one. My response “Oh, you mean the three free fuck Steve over cards that I haven’t used?” Yeah, sorry… but even IF I was to do that… there is no way that it would be the same for me. For one, I’m not into the whole one-night thing. And two… he would kick my ass to the curb so fast I would get whiplash. I’m not kidding. It’s a double standard with him.
Now I said, I’ve never had the desire to be with any one else up until recently… and yeah, let me tell you… the desire is there now. There is this guy I’ve talked about before… and while we haven’t had sex… things have gotten pretty heated between us. And I don’t feel guilty for it… I should… but I don’t. But all of a sudden it’s like the brakes were hit and now I’m back in the friend zone. WTF? I mean, I totally get it… I’m still involved and this guy is amazing and sweet and I would NEVER NEVER want to hurt him… but if things were to continue to move like they have been… one or both of us would have been hurt devastatingly so. But it still hurt. I mean it was literally an overnight thing. We went from talking everyday throughout the day to stilted messages and simple “hey theres”. My feelings are hurt big time, and I’m stuck wondering what the fuck did I do wrong? What is WRONG with me? Why am I unable to make a choice? I like this guy… maybe even love him a little… but I’m with Steve still.
Speaking of Steve again… I told him last week that I was done and he straight up told me “no.” I mean, seriously? No?! He said that he’s going to fight for me, for us. He wants to make a better life for us and our children. And part of me really wants to believe him, and to stay and hope it gets better… but the other part of me says that I know better now and that it never gets better and that I am just being completely stupid again by staying. I’ve given him 14 years already… am I really wanting to give him another 4, 5, 6 or more years waiting to get better? Do I have it in me?
If I stay and wait, and it gets better than all this turmoil will have been for nothing. But then again… I stay and it gets worse then I’ve missed out on something that could have potentially been amazing. All because I can’t decide what I want to do.
Everyone and their brother has advice on what to do, what is the best thing to do, and I KNOW what the best thing to do would be… to walk away and say “Enough is enough. I’ve given you everything I had and more, and it still didn’t work. We have three amazing boys and I will always love in some way… but I can’t be with you anymore.” I am terrified of doing that. So afraid that he will be right in the end and that I’m never going to be good enough for someone. That I will have to be on my own. I’ve had friends tell me that I need to do something or the choice will be taken from me. That the Gods will take my fate into Their hands and something horrible will happen. There’s only a handful of horrible things that I can imagine would happen; either mine or Steve’s deaths, or one of my children falling seriously ill and/or dying. That would certainly be something taking the choice from me. Would the Gods seriously do that to me? Just to get me to leave?!
I need to do a Craft re-dedication ritual, so I asked Heidi to pull some cards to give me an idea of when a good time would be to do so. And wouldn’t you know… again the cards say “Make your choice. You got 72 hours”. Awesome. At this point I’ve got 48 hours left. *deep breath* What do I do? How can I just walk away? I know it will be painful and that the whole family (his side) is going to hate me for it, but am I supposed to stay and continue to be beaten into the ground until I am essentially dead? I don’t even have anywhere to go if I leave. This is the roof over my head and if I break it off with Steve, I can’t remain here and not have things fall back to the way it was before. I can’t leave until I have a place that is safe for me and my boys first… and that’s not happening for some time still. I am stuck until the end of the school year at the soonest possible point. And a lot of things can happen between now and then.
I made a fool of myself. I put myself out there again and I let someone in… I let someone in closer to me than any one else aside from Steve. This person, this guy that I’ve been talking about, knows more about me and the way my mind works than a hell of a lot of people right now. I’ve told him things about myself, my preferences in life for certain things, and also told him a bit about my religion and there wasn’t anything that I could say that would freak him out or make him want to stop talking to me. And now… he’s pretty much stopped talking to me. I got comfortable around him and started letting him see flashes of the hidden me… and so the little voice inside my head says “Steve was right, no one wants the REAL you. You are worthless.” Even though I know what he’s doing, that he’s trying to protect his heart from being hurt by me, no matter if it’s intentional or not. I don’t want him to be hurt, no matter what that is the last thing I want to happen. He says he doesn’t want to get too attached to me, just in case he and I don’t actually go anywhere, which I understand. I can’t do that to him. I want him to be happy above all else, and if me in the friend zone makes him happy, then so be it.
I on the other hand… I got attached. I got used to him being there to talk to at any point in time during the day. I got used to this intense need to talk to him, so see him, to feel his touch. And now… I’m not. I made a fool of myself to him and his friends and family and made myself feel like a whore… because I want him and yet I go home to Steve at the end of the weekend. I put myself out there. A while back Heidi warned that I was playing with fire in this… and she was right. I got burned. It’s enough that I want to pull my hand back in and just stay here and not risk the unknown, because feeling shitty all the time is all I’ve ever known.
I’m pretty sure this guy will read this later, so I’m going to say right now… please don’t feel bad on my account or anything. These are just my feelings right now… they may or may not change in time.
I miss him. It’s only been 2 days and I really miss him. How pathetic is that? And to top it all off… Steve is in like super duper “Must Woo Her So She Never Ever Leaves Me” mode. He still thinks I’m walking around looking like someone killed my puppy, and today I told him he got his wish… I won’t be going out to visit my friends anymore. And he yelled at me! It wasn’t really his fault… I mean in a way, yeah… but in the end… it was me and my choices.
I have to hide myself around Steve and his family. They don’t get me… they don’t understand me. Steve knows me… and actually reminded me how well he knew me the other night… oddly enough we were talking about bondage (TMI, whatever) and from out of left field he asks “Maybe you think you like it because that’s what Freak-Guy did to you? Did he tie you up back then?” Wonderful. Yeah, I was tied up. I was gagged, he pulled my hair and bit me… it makes me question all the things I like now because is it something I really like or is it some sick kickback to what happened to me when I was younger? How fucking great is that?! I hate remembering that time… and Steve goes and reminds me of it in a painful sort of shove into it. He didn’t mean to do that, I KNOW he didn’t mean to, because he knows how traumatizing it was for me, that time so long ago… and he apologized for bringing it up, held me close and said the only reason for asking is because he didn’t want to be in the middle of something and suddenly me have a freaking flashback and go nuts on him. He actually cared about my feelings and my mental state for once and it was so wonderful. It’s the flashes like that that I see in him that make me want to stay… hoping that he’ll stay forever and remember me and actually LIKE me again. But he doesn’t and he won’t and it never gets any better.
I saw the new P!nk video the other day, for her song “F**king Perfect”. I cried like a freaking baby. That video could very well have been my life. And the scene where the girl carves perfect in to her arm… yeah that was me to an extent. I starved myself, I tried to kill myself, I tried to be everything in the world to be someone different… because I wasn’t good enough. And that song just hit home for me. The message that I am fucking perfect just as I am… it was something I really needed to hear right in that moment in time. It’s my personal anthem right now, everytime I listen to it I try to remember that I am good enough… on my own. And maybe someday, I’ll be more than good enough for someone. At least, I hope so.
I got a lot of baggage to work through first. My mind is in chaos, my emotions are all over the place, my heart hurts so much and I am so tired all the time. The last two times I ever got any real sleep, the deep and restful kind, were when I slept next to this one guy. It was amazing, and now I’m back to not sleeping, pacing around the house, questioning myself, wondering what is wrong with me, why am I not enough, why can’t I ever keep someone? Fighting off the hysteria and the desire to lay down and die. I have reasons to fight these feelings, my boys… I don’t want to die… but at the same time… I feel it a lot… like it would be so much easier for them without me, the hysterical mother who can’t make a choice.
I hate feeling like this. I hate myself most of the time. I started liking myself again for a minute… but now… I don’t know. I’ll work through it, I always do in the end. And I know who I can count on in my darkest times, so that’s always good. Some things will always remain constant. No matter how stupid I may be… there are some people out there who love me anyway and will always be there for me… pushing me to love myself and to choose. Choose happiness over fear of the unknown.
*small smile* Thanks for listening.