Holy oh my geez! It’s been like a whole year since I’ve written anything for this!! But in my defense, I kinda forgot this was even here. So BAD RAVENNA! lol. It’s not like there hasn’t been anything going on in my life, because there has been.
So, hmm. What to start with?
Well, how about we start with November events?
November was my 30th birthday. I didn’t want to turn 30.. at all. I had this whole goal for my life, things that were supposed to have happened in my life before I turned 30, so on my birthday I watched most of those dreams die. My goals were that I would have a career as a high school music director, a loving husband, a home of my own and beautiful children, all before I turned 30. Needless to say, the only thing I managed to do was have the babies. Not that I’m complaining too much about the boys, it was my choice to have them in the end, and they are beautiful and wonderful boys who drive me insane quite often, but eh, they’re boys that’s what they’re supposed to do! haha.
But I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life in a relationship with a man who says he loves me… but then turns around and does awful things to me. When he’s good to me, he’s really good to me. Like for my birthday, he took me out to dinner at the Crab Pot which was absolutely fantastic! And then he booked a hotel room for us for the night and for the first time since Dylan was born, I got a night without the baby. What a refreshing idea!! But then there are days where is just this monumental ASSHOLE, and he makes his mission to remind how much he hates me as a person. It really hurts me when he says that to me. He says AWFUL things to me, all the time. I spent so many nights this past year in tears, all because the person I love, the father of my beautiful sons, doesn’t love me the same way.
Prime example, my sister’s boyfriend proposed to her in the top end of November, and she called me to tell me about it (she said yes!) and I started crying hysterical tears of happiness for her and we gushed about how wonderful and romantic Mark is to her. I think she said that the ring he proposed with was his grandmother’s ring. I am genuinely happy for her. But then Steve came home all drunk and started with the stupid commentary about how stupid they are for wanted to get married. I had to get off the phone with my sister because his comments were getting so bad. We got into a fight, and I wound up in tears of despair and not tears of happiness. It was a painful slap in the face to realize that my little sister is getting married before me, and I’ve been with my partner for 14 years!
There were other moments where he had me reduced to tears, and I’d spend the evening venting on Facebook to my friends and family about how I felt… and at one point my brother commented how he wanted to have a “chat” with Steve. My brother was NOT happy that my boyfriend made me cry… again.
Moving on from the pain of Steve and the farce that is my relationship with him, November also saw me getting a chance to finally reconnect with an old friend of mine, which led to me meeting and making some great new friends. Seriously, they are the bestest! So anyway! We wound up going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, and then they took me out for a belated birthday dinner. To the Cheesecake Factory. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw how expensive it was. And they kept telling me to quit freaking out, it was for my birthday and it was a special treat. But OMG was it delicious!!! And the company was pretty awesome too, lol. Of course, everyone at the house flipped a shit and kept calling to get me to come home… I wasn’t ready to go home. It was my “party”, my fun time for crying out loud!! Eventually I did have to get home, but the point is that I had a really awesome good time hanging out with them.
We’ve hung out a bunch times since then, and I recently went to brunch with them and again nearly had a heart attack when I saw the bill… I feel weird that they spent all that money so I could go out and eat with them. But they reminded me that if they couldn’t afford it or whatever, they wouldn’t have offered, so I guess I have to accept that they wanted to do something nice for me. It was a nice change for once, that someone wanted to something seriously nice for me.
So I’ve spent more and more time with Andrea, her boyfriend Jesse, their room-mate (and the father of her youngest child… which is interesting) Matt, and Heidi lately. Heidi gave me a reading not too long ago. Wow was it so not a surprise to me.
So the biggest thing now in my life is the problems I’m having with my relationship with Steve. All of my friends tell me it’s time to walk away. And a part of me knows they’re right. But another part of me is terrified of change, of leaving and maybe, just maybe he’s right and no one in their right mind would want me. I am damaged goods. I was sort of broken when we got together, but then he really just broke me. The pieces don’t really fit together so well anymore, it’s just a pale reflection of what and who I once was. It makes the ones who’ve known me the longest sad I guess. And they all worry about me, so much. It’s because of them I’ve kept plugging along. Trying my hardest to be happy. But, the time has come where I realize that I am not happy.
Anyway, so Heidi gave me a reading and essentially, I’ve got six months to make my choice, before the Gods take away my choice and do it for me, because something awful will wind up happening. That scares the shit out of me. Heidi’s readings are scary spooky accurate, so I don’t doubt for a second that she could be wrong. Granted, the future is not set in stone and things can and will change… but damn.
Steve tells me regularly that I am an awful bitch, that I am fat and unwanted. That I am hateful and evil and that I don’t know how to be a good person. It hurts when he says those things, and I told him recently that I was afraid of him, and that he breaks me every time he is mean to me. He was all like “Stupid bitch, how am I mean to you?” I was like, “Well, that right there is a prime example, I’m sleeping on the couch.” He also likes to tell me how stupid I am, or that I am a slob. I don’t think I’m a slob… I take pride in my appearance, and I hate that the house looks like a class 5 hurricane blew through every day… but I am only one person and you can’t honestly expect me to keep picking up after 4 adults and 3 kids. The other adults in this house really can pick up after themselves, and they don’t. Not only am I expected to clean after them, but also do all their dishes, and wash, dry, fold and put away all their laundry. There is a giant pile of dishes every day, several times of day in the sink for me to wash. And the laundry pile that no matter how many loads I do a day, it never seems to get any smaller. I hate living here with a passion, but until recently, I’ve not had anywhere else to go.
I spent this past weekend in Tacoma with Andrea and her family for her son’s birthday. Oh my gosh, it was sooo much fun! And for once, people were helping me out and not wanting me to do anything. It was the most amazing thing ever! Other people wanted to look after my kids and help keep them in line… other people wanted me to have a break from constantly having to play the role of mom and dad and entertainer for the kids. It was the best feeling ever. For Skyler’s birthday party, Matt kept taking Dylan around so I could sit and chat with other adults. I loved it. The feeling that someone else cared about me, and wanted to see me happy and smile.
Anywho, this is all for the night, hope you all who read this are happy and having a good evening. Many blessings to you all.